Wednesday, June 07, 2006

`Tattletales and ramblings...

Is life half-empty or hal-full???

***Water and Wind***

I just talked to Kiko and Rico a while ago on the phone. We sure do burn our phone lines. God! This day is pretty tiring. I went to jhiez's house. We snuggled and smacked. I was happy to see him again. I surely did miss him but as the usual story goes we ended up FIGHTING. We had a BIG FIGHT. This time it is VERY HUGE. I feel as if our relationship is bound to end. I don't get to see the point in making this relationship work. I LOVE HIM if that is the question but truth is he is KILLING ME.

Before posting this entry I had the chance to read Marie's blog. Marie the very good friend of Kiko is deeply in love with Kiko. I really don't know that. I just thought that what existed between them was purely FRIENDSHIP. Sadly though Kiko doesn't feel the same. He likes Marie as a FRIEND, nothing more nothing less (hehehe).

For that matter Marie was all chafing so she went on as far as entering a so-caled CONTRACT RELATIONSHIP. A not-so-good relationship with plenty of rules and regulations. A relationship with her EXBOYFRIEND. Duh! Marie's life is pretty messy. tsk, tsk, tsk. I pitty her sincerely that is why I couldn't help myself posting a commentary on her latest entry.

Her entry entails the agendas of their relationship. MArie is a 100% goth girl. She is bleeding like me (but I am not goth). She writes very well and has a pretty good command in the English language. Syempre naman. Why wouldn't she eh she came from UST.

Hayz... *sigh* She even wrote a metaphor in her blog about the wind and the water. The wind pertains to Kiko. Light, strong, yet refreshing. The wind came to her life in a nick of an eye and now the wind rarely blows in her ATMOSPHERE. The water, on the other hand, is her present boyfriend. Sad to say their relationship would expire in a matter of weeks and that is what makes her all grimaced and depressed. The water quenched her PAINS and for that she extends her gratitude to the water. Unfortunately since their relationship is bound to end she never had enough time to realize that she has fallen for the guy. LOVE TOOK HER BY SURPRISE. Weird isn't it? Haha! I feel the same. My wind is my boyfriend and my water is Kuya Kiko.

Things between me and boyfriend are getting muddled, tousled, and clattered. We barely understand each other. To my every heartaches with my boy Kuya Kiko comforted me. He stood beside me giving me strength and telling me that he cares. He knows how much I love my boy. I know that the fact that I am still in love with jhiez hurts Kiko but that is life. I know he likes me as much as I like him. I can't tell what would happen to both of us. I don't want to sound greedy but I can never live without him beside me. I can never wake up each morning without hearing his voice. I know that Kiko might just be anotehr DIVERSION. But honestly HE IS DIFFERENT. He is special. He is the water to my life.

The water that makes me alive. The water that nurishes me. The water that purifies me. The water that cools me down. Now tell me how would I live without this water in my life.

He moves freely and flows perpetually. I know that someday he may drift away from me. Now that is what I fear. It is not only because of my "benifits" with him thta I don't want him out of life, it is much deeper. He made me feel alive. I CAN VERY WELL SAY NOW THAT I AM BRAVE. I CAN SHOUT WITH MUCH PRIDE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I AM BLEEDING. I AM DAMAGED AND BROKEN LIKE HELL.

***Pop you are killing me***

Here I go again blaberring. How would I ever learn to accept the fact that papa is killing us. He is a certified pain in the ass. A genuine SELF-CENTERED old man. Yeah I may sound unforgiving but the hell that is what I am feelig. I am all fucked up, fed up with my life. Seeing him complain of his health when in the very beginning he is the one to blame. He drinks a lot, an alcoholic (hard to admit), gambles a lot, and steals a lot from us.

He doesn't have any bit of RESPECT IN HIS BODY. He destroys my admiration. He was once a good man turned bad. I don't get it?! I don't know why he is like that. I can't figure things out. And damn I am all depressed here. I even wanted to cut myself and see me bleed to death. Before I fear death but now experience taught me not to.

I can die today and still live tomorrow. I would rather endure heartaches definitely than think of things between you and me pop. I am ashamed to admit that I HATE YOU. What can I do? I do every single thing I can just so I could understand your misbehavior. Eventhough you never stood for our family I showed you how I care. I followed everything you told me to (except not having a bf).

Kulang pa ba? 'Yun ang tanong? Is everything not enough. Why us? Why me... Thinking of these things makes me freakout.

Shit! Life is pretty messy! Life is half-empty! Life is a crap without GOD.

Hell yeah I savor each pain I feel and bury them in my deepest and darkest place. I don't know my purpose anymore. I am thankful to have actually feel God's presence. I am putting my every faith in HIM. I believe in HIS words. He would surely save me from these miseries.

I am drenched in loneliness. I fucked up! I am a mess! I am bleeding myself to death...

Life is half-empty but thanks to you my immortal savior I could still feel the sensation over the pain as I bleed to death...

MOOD: bouncy