Friday, June 09, 2006

`I write alone, cry alone, and bleed alone...

Love is a Sickness
by Samuel Daniel (1562 - 1619)

Love is a sickness full of woes,
All remedies refusing;
A plant that with most cutting grows,
Most barren with best using.
Why so?
More we enjoy it, more it dies;
If not enjoy'd, it sighing cries--
Heigh ho!

Love is a torment of the mind,
A tempest everlasting:
And Jove hath made it of a kind
Not well, nor full nor fasting.
Why so?
More we enjoy it, more it dies;
If not enjoy'd, it sighing cries--
Heigh ho!

Ever felt that you are all alone. Well I am right now. I have never been this depressed in my entire life. I feel unwanted. It is not just my problems with bf. It is far more than that.

***Would love measures up?***

What a fucking silly question? I really am not sure what to feel right now. I guess for some reason I feel all tired loving and giving.

I've been in a relationship for two years. Jhiez, at first, was fine but now we are not in good terms (as what I've learned in our ECONOMICS class with Sir Manapat there is this so-called LAW OF DIMINISHING MARGINAL UTILITY). That law states that there would be a time when buyers would get tired supporting their favorite goods in the market. That very law could be applied in any field of our lives even in relationships. HAYZZZ *sigh*

I think that Jhiez might be bored with our relationship or with me. He doesn't admit that. He still claims taht he loves me pero 'di ba if you are in love with the person you'll support your special someone 'til the bitter end. No matter what happens you'll be understanding and sensitive to what your partner feels.

Unfortunately, he doesn't show any concern. I am waiting for him to be nice again. I know that he just wants me to be with him all the time, but that isn't love. I am bound to have a broken home. I am now at my darkest hour yet he demands even more things to me.

It is just fine with me if he'll never get exhausted acting such a selfish bitch. I am okay with that. But noooooo he is far from that. He is worse. 'Yun na nga he never listens and yet he complains a lot.

He doesn't see my pains and agonies.

I BEGGED my aunt just so I could study. My aunt was in rage to find out that my parents' relationship are on the rocks. Why won't she? I am not mad at her. My family is ungrateful to her. I live here with my uncles and aunts. my three uncles are all drug users. One of my cousins uses SHABU and the other is addicted to MARIJUANA. My life since my ELEM DAYS had been a BIG MESS.

I've been molested several times before but my parents haven't done anything when I was a child. We can't do anything since we are just living with MY UNCLES. Both of my parents are jobless so I'm accustomed to their usual fights about money. My pops is an alcoholic gambler. He brags his money (though he doesn't have any). He steals from us (his children) so as to support his debaucheries. I am torn inside and out.

It hurts to live in our wretched home. And know what hurts more my parents are freaking selfish. They don't think of what me and my sister would feel if they would separate. Yeah they LOVE US, 'cause that is what they claim but I couldn't feel that psuedo-LOVE. Is it just me, or am I numb already?

My sister rebels. She is into this habbit of "collecting boyfriends." She goes home late in the evening. I am afraid that if she persists what she's doing she would be in her downfall. She might either get pregnant or be blinded by the influence of her "friends."

I am in deep shit. So glad that God didn't bail me out when I cursed Him for not making my family work. I've done that once. Hatred spurred me. I was blinded by what was happenign to me. He still helped me acquire enough money so as to enroll this sem.

He has been so good to me that He had saved me and cathced me. I guess love wouldn't really measure up. Because if it would then I shouldn't be experiencing these things.

Yeah I know there is a reason for everythign but you might as well admit also that not everything you want is feasible. *cries*

MOOD: pensive
LISTENING TO: All thet I've got (The Used)